“MeMadeMay (2020) day 12. On that no-makeup train for the millionth day in a row. I made the grey top from a StyleArc pattern last May, as a test before making one for my client. We’re close-ish in size, (I’m a little wider all around) but I prefer my clothes substantially more fitted than modern style dictates, so I figured it would be an ok gamble, plus I really needed to know what sewing with an indie pattern was like, since I’d never used one before. Unfortunately, it’s quite tight across my shoulders, but it’s still cute enough for short outings, and every outing is short in quarantine. Bonus make: the belt, again. Wow, do I love this belt.”

Top is (was) a StyleArc Dimity top in mystery fabric from the Textile Discount Outlet. Belt is Butterick 4497 from 1975(ish) in rust microsuede, also from the Textile Discount Outlet.

I find myself feeling very divorced from pretty much everything related to sewing and making lately. I’ve felt that way for years, actually, and I’m reasonably certain that I’ve said this exact thing in future MMMay posts. It’s not just sewing, it’s knitting, photography, anything you could consider something that I do for myself. There are a lot of reasons for that. Lack of space, lack of money, lack of energy. It’s difficult to justify making new things for yourself when your whole life is just a giant, overwhelming game of Tetris.

I do get rid of things (I no longer have this grey top), and things wear out or are destroyed (MOTHS). I’m actually kind of nervous for this May, I feel like I’m very much back at the beginning, where I have nothing reasonable to wear at all. But when I think of trying to fix that, even though I know I enjoy the process and even though there is a part of me that is *yearning* to do something nice for myself… There’s this huge piece of me that’s just convinced that I’ve forgotten how to do everything. That I’ll never be able to do it again. That I’ll just ruin everything I touch. That there’s no point.

I promise, I’m trying. But it’s not easy.

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“MeMadeMay (2020) day 5. A twofer, also an all-accessories day. I made the hat ages ago, and the belt in about an hour, two days ago. I feel like, I definitely love making vintage dresses and embracing my glamorous side, but on the days that I just want to be comfortable and casual, my first love has always been the slightly funky corner of the 70’s.”

Oh boy, do I remember this day. I really can’t remember all the circumstances, but this was still pretty early into the time when Kenneth was helping me take my photos for MMMay, and this was one of those days where he had a lot of suggestions and I just… didn’t want any of them, and it was really frustrating me. So I ended up wandering into the square, in the rain, and doing photos myself. And if you’re looking at the pictures, you can’t even tell, so that’s nice. The hat is, perpetually, Simplicity 9644 and the belt is Butterick 4497.

This also feels like one of the first times that I was really trying to find some kind of words to describe my personal style. I had a lot of self-consciousness for awhile about my style, mostly because you see a lot of really successful vintage style accounts on social media, but at the time when I was really getting into making my own clothes, they were primarily 40’s/50’s leaning. I really had difficulty coming to terms with the fact that I really wasn’t going to be the kind of girl who was going to set her hair every night and wear dresses all the time, because it was just such a beautiful fantasy. And because I always sort of felt like there was some kind of invisible roadblock that kept me from being as accepted and appreciated as I felt like maybe I should have been, and my inability to just fully capitulate to that style felt like part of that failure.

I don’t, for the record, feel that way now. I still embrace a variety of styles, and I have fun with whatever I feel like wearing on any given day. Sometimes I feel a little guilty when certain things I’ve made languish in my closet (because I go through phases in what I’m wearing), but I usually come back to most things, and if I don’t, I let them move on to someone else.

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